when you

​  

When you open your heart

you’ll be able to reach me;

Never keep the door closed on you,

ask you how you’re sleepin

You say life is nice

I say, “don’t forget

life ain’t all rain.”

I know your favorite

time to love is when

the sky’s stormy n grey.

My heart’s always warm for u

so when the sun shine don’t 4get

to come and hold me

on a good day.

In the morning go on

and sing my name

Breathe me in

forever

without counting

the time or the days.

You know that petals

don’t wait to wilt

skies’ll love em

through the

winter 

spring

N pain

And

tomorrow 

I’ll bloom from the start

if I can borrow some peace of mind

when you open your heart.

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These lines

I’m devoting the lines of this page to describe what it feels like I can’t. Once I do, it’ll start feeling real. It’ll become true. The corners of the room will pretend to understand when I start to feel like I’ve had enough. But there’s no comfort there; in those edges I will not fit because I’m not sharp like my pain. I am not only my pain. Not like you thought I was. I will not mold my heart, will not break my spine to comfort your eyes nor seal your wounds by making you the light in my sky, or taming my howl because you wanna be the sun when you’re really the moon. You won’t be there when I lift my head to the highest star. Asleep you will be in another sky, confusing someone else of what you really are. Convincing me that you could never disrupt my waves, but you were the force that ruptured my sea. Let me think that I was what you were. Confusing the pits of my bottomless oceanfloor, my love became endless and you still asked for more. I showed you what you really were, provided you with reflection and all along your grace was deceptive. I was the combination of all things that made you. Letting yourself fall in love with some Red Sea when your wounds were fresh, to death you’d bleed. Wrapped in your darkest dim, the walls of our world became sharp like my pain. You let me think it was my masterpiece even when you had persisted to take my calm from me. Now my waters are not still, and this place is but the master of my chains, I am not free. You were not the sun, you were always the moon. Watching over as your demons parted my seas, taking from me the healing that I needed to breathe. You ruptured my being, and now you’ve left my sky. Chaos in my blues. Tell me, how many bodies of water have you left to heave? I only sunk into myself. Waves of my ocean wish death upon the moon, so drown with me.

I didn’t know what depression was, I didn’t know I lived with it. It just felt like I was always thinking too much and never found the energy to say it all. Like something was stuck in my chest. An anchor that got deeper every time I saw more pain. I tried to speak through my actions; then I became silent. I started writing more because my tongue became so swollen with the time and silence that put me to sleep every night. I’ve made so many left turns since I started realizing what the fuck my body/mind/soul endured since I was 8. And now I’m here, thinking about when I’ll finally accept the fact that my experience is not linear, my life has not been lived based off of a timeline. I’m the epitome of out of the ordinary. Yesterday I started to accept that. I hope tomorrow I’ll begin to love it.